2013: Packing to Leave Disney

We spent our last evening at Disney World visiting the Port Orleans resorts. We started at French Quarter for dinner, took a boat to Riverside, and then came back.

While strolling through the streets in the French Quarter, Linda suddenly shrieked. As I turned to see what was wrong, I noticed a large corn snake on a ledge that my oldest so was passing. As I turned I saw the coiled snake attempt to strike him! The snake shot forward in a flash with its mouth wide open. Luckily it missed him, but missed him by only inches. It was just a corn snake, something Disney deploys to keep the rodent population under control. Nevertheless, it was shocking to see such a long snake!

We returned to the house and continued to pack. A month at Disney comes to a close.

On Wednesday we start our journey North. We will stop in Charleston on Thursday to see the aircraft carrier USS Yorktown. On Friday we visit Hershey. On Saturday and Sunday we visit Gettysburg. I am sure we will have some terrific adventures in the days to come!

2013: Last Trip to Disney for 2013

We start a long journey north on Wednesday. Leading up to it, we have been packing the house. Packing is a lot more work than we anticipated. Because of the many roaches in the house we are concerned about unwanted stow aways. As a result we are washing everything and immediately vacuum sealing it into space bags. Once sealed it immediately goes to the van. Every toy is getting scrubbed and every bag cleaned. Much of our travel food will be thrown out. And we have strict quarantine rules for how things move through the house.

Due to packing, we didn't go anywhere after work yesterday. I did go for another walk around the neighborhood, an activity that was challenged my back condition. I have increased my back medication and am doing all I can to remove this knot in the center of my back. I push through the pain, but, it has made me fairly immobile and even more useless than normal.

On Monday I notice an enormous number of Smirnoff left in the refrigerator. I can't stand to waste such fine alcohol so I decided to do my part in reducing the inventory. What I forgot, however, is one should not mix back pain medicine with alcohol. I found it odd that I would take a drink and my head would immediately go fuzzy. Then clear. Take another drink, go fuzzy, then clear. I remarked that Smirnoff has never had such an effect on me. By the time I realized what I had done, it was too late. Linda enjoyed taking pictures of me trying to eat dinner with difficulty finding my mouth. I don't remember much about Monday evening but I did sleep really well.

Tonight we are going to finish out Florida vacation with a last trip into Disney World . We are going to the French Quarter to eat, take a ride on a boat, then try for a horse drawn carriage ride.

2013: Disney Area BBQ Competition Winner

If you are staying near Disney World and are hungry for some great BBQ, then you will want to read this. I am a fan of Dicky's BBQ, but the closest one is way past Winter Garden. So, instead, we are going to pit two of the best smoke houses on Route 192 in Kissimmee: Smokey Bones versus Wildside BBQ. Both of these can be found on 192 just 6 miles apart from each other. They offer steaks, pork, chicken, ribs - everything you would expect. And you can order it piled high to meet any appetite.

For appetizer, we are going to start with the Nachos. The nachos are piled high with cheese, BBQ meat, and various other toppings. Wildside BBQ delivered a giant plate stuffed with BBQ meat. Meanwhile, the cheese on the Smokey Bones nachos wasn't melted and the BBQ meat was cold; it was difficult finding enough topping to finish eating the Smokey Bones nachos.

WINNER OF THE APPETIZER: Wild Side BBQ


The décor of both restaurants is very nice. A nice option at Wild Side BBQ is to sit watching the cook at the fire pit. Meanwhile, Smokey Bones has televisions everywhere and plays music (which we found the music to be too loud). Nevertheless, Smokey Bones is going to win the décor because Wild Side placed us at a tiny booth at the front of the restaurant and we had to push the booth back in order to fit - and we aren't large family!

WINNER OF DÉCOR: Smokey Bones BBQ


We tested order accuracy with some very easy customizations. Wild Side BBQ delivered everything correctly. Smokey Bones delivered our nachos with tomatoes on it (when we asked for none) and forgot to put bacon on our mashed potatoes.

WINNER OF ORDER ACCURACY: Wild Side BBQ


A BBQ meal isn't complete without BBQ beans. Smokey Bones beans are thicker with a bolder BBQ flavor. Wild Side BBQ has a thinner sauce. Smokey Bones is going to win this due to the bolder flavor even though the flavor 'got to me' and I couldn't finish the beans.

WINNER OF THE BBQ BEANS: Smokey Bones BBQ



Each restaurant has a selection of BBQ sauces to use with your meat selection. Wild side had four flavors to choose from, and Smokey Bones had three. Everyone's preferences are different. I prefer a sweater BBQ sauce. I had difficulty finding a sauce I liked at Smokey Bones. Wild Side, on the other hand, had a sauce I simply loved.

WINNER OF THE BBQ SAUCE: Wild Side BBQ


The restaurants are priced differently for similar products. While both are reasonable, considering what you are getting, we found Smokey Bones to be cheaper providing better value.


WINNER OF THE BETTER VALUE: Smokey Bones BBQ


You can tell a lot about a restaurant by looking at their restrooms. Both restaurants had adequate bathrooms. Smokey Bones had the best restroom décor but I found Smokey Bones to be dirty and not fully functional.


WINNER OF THE BEST RESTROOM: Wild Side BBQ.


Many of the vacation area restaurants offer extras, such as souvenirs, park tickets, or pictures. Smokey Bones offered none of these. Wild Side took our picture and offered it to us for purchase. Normally we would purchase the picture, but this time my wife's eyes were closed, so, I complained that I couldn't buy it. The photographer was mad, snapped back the picture, and walked away. Conclusion? Sometimes offering no service is better than offering poor service.

WINNER OF THE EXTRAS: Smokey Bones BBQ


The other item of note: We tried the Smokey Bones Macaroni and cheese, but didn't try the Wild Side Macaroni and Cheese, so, we can't compare it. But we can describe it. The Smokey Bones Macaroni and Cheese had a strong onion flavor and a sharp cheese flavor that left an after taste. We could not eat it. I would recommend staying clear of the Macaroni and Cheese.



So let's recap.


WINNER
Appetizer. Wild Side BBQ
Order Accuracy. Wild Side BBQ
BBQ Sauce. Wild Side BBQ
Best Restroom. Wild Side BBQ
Decore. Smokey Bones BBQ
BBQ Beans. Smokey Bones BBQ
Value. Smokey Bones BBQ
Extras. Smokey Bones BBQ


In conclusion, both restaurants are excellent. Regardless of which you pick? You won't be disappointed. So, tuck your napkin into your shirt, order a big pile of BBQ meat, and dig in!

2013: I See Stupid People

We started Sunday at Chef Mickey, or, the Scream Chamber, as I like to call it. This is a breakfast buffet at Disney's Contemporary Resort. The Contemporary is a large triangle shaped hotel that allows monorails to run strait through the center of the hotel. The buffet has excellent breakfast choices. Breakfast in interrupted by Disney characters (Mickey, Minnie, Pluto, Donald, and Goofy) who pause for pictures.

I call this the Scream Chamber because the restaurant sits in a cove within the cavernous hotel. The screaming kids causes a defining echo chamber. I have read the area has been flagged by OSHA for sound levels, and workers are required to take longer breaks to recover.

When on vacation too many parents take a vacation from parenting. They allow their 5 and 6 year olds to go to the buffet by themselves. The children return with a plate mounded high with food. The child takes one bite from the plate and the rest goes into the garbage. Why are these parents doing allowing this to happen?

My back was in the worse shape so far. Even though I was heavily medicated, I remained in significant pain. But I didn't let that slow us down!

After breakfast, we walked the short distance from the Contemporary to the Magic Kingdom. It was a very hot day but luckily we had cooling towels. These were recommended by The Dis Podcast and are shamies that you soak with cold water and wear around your neck and it keeps you cool. Yes, we looked like dorks. But we were cool dorks.

The park was very hot. In the North when it is hot you can find relief in the shade. But in Florida when it is hot with high humidity, the heat radiates from the air surrounding you - there is no relief! I saw one lady buy the famous Mickey Ears (chocolate covered ice cream on a stick) and she opened the package and the ice cream immediately fell to the ground. These things are expensive ($4)! And there it sat on the pavement. What would you do? Well, she picked it up, put it back on the stick and ate it.

In addition to being very hot, the park was packed. Maybe it was due to my back pain but I was very annoyed by all the self centered idiots who had no sense of presence. They would stand in doorways and stare off into space - hay! Don't block the way! Or they would be walking in the stream of people and just stop in the walkway. Or a family of three would hold hands and stretch across a walkway while walking slow. And the strollers! These are supposed to carry children but instead people push them empty and use them as weapons to stab their way through the crowds. In one case a lady kept running her stroller into the back of my foot, say "sorry" and then do it again. In another situation, we were in a crowd with 10,000 people all headed down a walkway and a lady come up behind us with a stroller saying "Excuse me, excuse me" expecting us to get out of her way - there was no place to go! And we were all headed in the same direction at the same speed! These crowds are all crushed together tight. In one situation I saw a girl go to hit her boyfriend and ended up smacking a lady that was passing by. When it came time to do the fireworks at the end of the day, they pushed all these thousands of people into Main Street and told them to squish together. It was hot, smelly, people were tired, and frustrations were high. At one point a guy hit Mike with his bag so Mike pushed it back. The guy yelled at Mike for touching his bag, then took a look at me, realized that was a bad idea, and walked away. They keep letting more and more people into the Magic a kingdom and they all want to see the fireworks and ride Peter Pan an do everything - at some point you can't fit anymore people in the park!

I think someone from Disney is reading my blog. After I wrote that Disney water tastes like toilet water? On Sunday we had three people tell us the drinking fountains are triple filtered and healthier than bottled water. Well, filtered or not? It still tastes like toilet water.

It has rained every day we have been in Florida. When it rains it is usually for only 30-60 minutes. Without fail, it rained on Sunday so we decided to eat dinner.

Eating in the Magic Kingdom can be a challenge. If you want a sit down meal? Forget it. These restaurants require reservations and are often booked months in advance. Can you imagine owning a restaurant in the real world that is booked for months? That is the way every Disney restaurant is. The only solution is fast food. In the North we expect a certain efficiency where people are working very hard. We went to a Burger King the other day and waited 15 minutes for our order because there was one guy making burgers and three people standing around chatting filling the orders. We went through a Wendy's drive thru and it took 30 minutes. At Disney fast food, you stand in line to place your order and then stand in another line waiting for your food. The food is ready (giant pile of burgers under a heat lamp) and sitting there and is just waiting to be assembled, and is assembled as slowly as humanly possible. If you want to eat? You had better not be in a hurry!

My back caused problems for me throughout the day but I kept moving and didn't slow down. It probably made me a little more grumpier toward my fellow man, and less tolerant of all the fricken' idiots that over populated the park's attendance.

2013: Universal

On Friday we took a trip to Universal Studios. With a year pass to Disney, it doesn't make sense to buy tickets to Universal. Instead, Universal has a City Walk similar to Downtown Disney that is free. Free... Except for the $16 parking fee.

If you visit Universal, you'll enjoy the first ride: Park The Car. This is a long twisting hair pin turn that snakes you for miles into a parking garage.

After you park your car for the Magic a kingdom, you can take a boat or monorail to the park. Not Universal. It is all escalators. My oldest son thought it was an example of American Laziness to ride the walking escalators so he refused and walked the entire distance. That probably explains all the blisters on his feet today!

There is a globally accepted rule with escalators: if you want to stand and ride it, stay to the right. Allow people who want to walk on the escalator to pass on the left. Everyone knows this! Everyone, except the idiots visiting Universal. Come on! Get with the program! Get out of the way!

We ate lunch at Margarettiville. I had regularly tried to get into the Myrtle Beach location but the lines are an hour long or more. At Universal? We got right in! It was a nice experience even though the food wasn't as good as the decor. I have seen the magic here, no need to return to eat there.

After lunch we watched a movie at the giant AMC theaters. Then we checked out all of City Walk. And that is about it. There wasn't live entertainment nor much imagineering. Just a plot of land to rent to businesses - very mall-ish. Very plain. But now we can say that we visited Universal during this trip!

2013: Construction

The Upstate New York economy is shrinking. Kodak is dieing, Bauch and lamb moved the headquarters are moving, and Xerox continues an aggressive plans to use off shore employees. The only construction we see is work on the crumbling roads, or knocking down another Kodak building.

It has been very refreshing to see positive construction here in Florida. Roads are being built, amusement parks are expanding, hotels are going up, and businesses are being built. I didn't realize how much I missed seeing a crane building something.

Construction means economic growth. After two decades living in the depressed Western New York economy, it is nice to see such a contrast.

2013: A short visit to Epcot

After throwing out my back at the water park we drove back to our house to get some back pain medicine for me and then drove across town to Epcot. When living near Disney it is easy to just stop by for a few hours. We walked into the park, stood in line for twenty minutes at Spaceship Earth and it was finally time to ride!

As you enter your Space ship Earth car, you are asked to select a language. I told my son to select English. But he thought he would be funny and he selected Japanese! I drove across town and waited in line for this? The entire ride was incomprehensible.

Activities in the Epcot pavilions are often overlooked because, well, because they are dull. They are educational and usually promote some company and there are hundreds of them. So, we avoid the pavilions. But with some extra time on our hands, we went to a pavilion and participated in a 3D experience that told us how to protect our house from violent storms ( using products provided by the sponsors, of course) .

We finished the night with a walk around the world. It was 9pm as we passed through France. Mike stopped at the sundial in France and asked me to use it to tell him the time. Uhm. It is a Sundial. By it's name, it requires... The sun.

Another fun day at Disney World was had by all!

2013: Pain in the Back

Saturday was a Disney Water Park day. We had to pick between Typhoon Lagoon and Blizzard Beach. How to pick? If you mostly like the tidal pool and lazy river? Typhoon Lagoon is the best. They have a couple of water slides, but the wait for us was 30-45 minutes. There is a kiddie park for those under 48". And there is a place where you can swim with the sharks. If you like water slides the most? Then you choice is Blizzard Beach. Both parks have many of the same things, just one is better than the other at some things.

We picked Typhoon Lagoon and spent most of our time in the lazy river. We did five laps around the park just relaxing in an inner-tube. Ahhhh...

It has rained everyday we have been in Florida and this day was no exception. Luckily? We were at a water park. But the thought did cross my mind that we should seek shelter so we wouldn't get wet.

After the lazy river we tested the wave pool. The wave pool has two modes: waves like you might see at an ocean; and tsunami. We were standing in the calm tide pool with the water lapping below our knees. A siren sounds. Then a thunderous rumble. And a tsunami wave (perhaps twenty feet high?) formed in front of us. By the time the wave hit us, it was at my shoulder height.

I quickly turned and grabbed my youngest (soon to be 10 yr old Son) and lifted him above my head so the water wouldn't drown him.

Five years ago I was lifting heavy CRT computer monitors at work - giant 30" monitors, and I blew out my back. I went to the hospital for an MRI, was put on some good medicine. It felt like the top and bottom of my body were disconnected. I had to use a walker and endure a lot of pain across a week to walk again. After that, I would occasionally have minor back pain around the SI area requiring back pain medicine, muscle relaxers, and a few days of light activity. During the past year I have been strengthening my abs and back and have had no problems.

I lifted Mike while turning as that wave hit. I dug my legs into the ground so the wave wouldn't knock us down, sending us both into the water. It was then I felt my back snap and knew that was the end of the fun for me.

I have returned to the back pain medicine. It isn't a major problem - I am still fully functional (still carrying the 50lb back pack). But I have a constant never ending pain in the back.

To add misery to the pain. I forgot the first rule of water parks: sun screen. My brother taught me that you should start the summer with a good burn and then you wont burn again, you will just tan. Obviously my brother is not a doctor, but I followed this pattern yearly. I get really good deep tans. I get so tanned that one September at the start of elementary school, my daughter told her teacher I was black. So you would think the lack of sun tan lotion wouldn't have a strong effect on me. I didn't do my back or chest and now I have a nice burn. Back pain and sun burn - nice combination.

It should be interesting to visit Disney with a bad aching back. I wonder how I will survive the rest of the trip! But I can't be a whimp and ruin the rest of the trip for the family. I will just have to suck up the pain, bite down on a leather strap, and keep going!

2013: Splended China and 2U

Everyday as we drive to our Florida house we pass by an abandoned property surrounded by a white wall. The area is perhaps a mile or two up the road from our house. The white walls have strange oriental symbols, heavy overgrowth, and as we drove around the outside it was impossible to tell what lie within. We thought maybe it was a mansion or an old country club left abandoned.

I did some Google research to find out what lay beyond that wall. You'll never guess what I found. Splendid China!

Splendid China was an amusement park that opened outside of Disney in the 90’s. It had a China focus, entertainers from China, and many of the important icons of China presented in a smaller scale. It took $100M to build the attraction and was a common park for many, and also attracted protests from human rights groups. After September 11, the travel industry took a hard hit, and Splendid China couldn't keep their park open. They closed in 2003. Ten years later? The park has been vandalized, many items stolen, and it is heavily overgrown.

We have been driving by this property all month and never knew! Mystery solved.

I was excited for Thursday because after work we were going to see a U2 tribute band called 2U. They were playing at Epcot. It is very difficult for me to get tickets to see U2 (and very expensive), so I was excited about seeing a free concert.

We showed up at 8pm and had third row seats! The band came out and were fabulous. When they reached the end of song number 5? They thanked everyone and walked off the stage. Walked off the stage? This was a five song concert? I didn't know that! They played for 30 minutes and then left. 2U played at Epcot for two week (I believe), 3 shows a night. Each show is 30-45 minutes. But I didn't know that and I expected a full concert! And they were really good too.

Our roach problem at the house continues. As we are approaching the end of our trip next week, we are concerned with bringing roaches home with us. So, Linda is washing all our clothes and sealing them in Space Bags. Space Bags, if you haven't seen them, are plastic bags that you suck all the air out of with a vacuum to make the bags very tiny. It also prevents the roaches from getting in. Our plan when we get home is to leave everything in the van until we can wash it down and bring it inside.

We are loving our time in Florida and can't wait to see what adventures we have tomorrow!

2013: Yeeha Bob

I have felt guilty that I have been working from Florida, so, I have been working through my lunches. But Wednesday I took a break and walked around the neighborhood. I got to the farthest distance and then it started to rain. So I jogged the rest of the way back and arrived home soaked. I can't believe how much it rains in the sunshine state!

After work we went to Disney's Port Orleans to see one of our favorite shows: Yeeha Bob! We sang, we danced, we made fools of our selves, and we had a great time. Yeeha Bob is our favorite. Every year he comes to Western New York to do a show for Give Kids The World and we always catch him there as well. Bob makes you feel OK about being a kid again.

2013: Ohana

Kevin Klose is a super star co-host on The Dis, a podcast and webepisode that provides information about Walt Disney World. Kevin is the show's food critic, and he has little good to say about dinner at Disney's Ohana. Ohana is a restaurant inside the Polynesian Resort across the lake near the Magic Kingdom. Kevin has the perspective of dinning at other similarly priced restaurants, so, I respect his opinion. I rarely (if ever?) eat at a $30-$40 per plate restaurant, so, I have little to compare Ohana to.

On Tuesday after work, we went to Ohana for dinner. We made the reservations months in advance because this is a popular restaurant. When seated, they begin bringing you food, and the food doesn't stop until you cry UNCLE! At which point they begin bringing you desert.

Dinner started with a salad covered in fruit and with bread. Followed by chicken wings and pot stickers. Then veggies and noodles. For the boys, they received a platter stacked with hamburgers and fries (special request that was nicely honored with the greatest customer service). That filled us. But that wasn't the main course. The main course is all you can eat chicken, steak, pork, and shrimp, brought to your table on skewers. The pork was pork. The steak was steak. And the chicken was to die for. You would expect the steak to be incredible, but it was cooked well done and was OK, but not fabulous. That is one of Kevin Klose';s largest complaints - the steak is not that good. I didn't care because I was eating the fabulous grilled chicken.

During the dinner, we were entertained by a singer that taught the kids how to dance and performed a coconut race. All the while we had a perfect view of the Magic Kingdom castle out the dinning room window.

After dinner, we walked down to the Polynesian Beach, found some comfortable chairs, and settled in to watch the Disney fireworks. The best place to watch the fireworks is on Main Street within the Magic Kingdom. The second best place is to rent a boat and go onto the lake and watch them. The third best place is on the Polynesian Beach!

Just one problem. I have previously written that Disney does a great job with bug control. They do. But their bug control doesn't apply to mosquitoes. During a visit in 2010, I was eaten alive by a flock of mosquitoes while waiting for a Disney bus. This year, while sitting on the beach, the mosquitoes ascended and attacked and took more than their fair share out of us all.

While waiting for the Fireworks, the Polynesian resort was showing Monsters Inc on a large blow-up projection screen. Then, the fireworks started. The Polynesian resort plays a synchronized audio track for the fireworks that matches the audio within the Magic Kingdom, but is delayed to account for the two mile distance. The show was spectacular!

Stuffed and happily entertained, we followed the maze of sidewalks (getting lost only twice) back to the parking lot and headed home. I might have just lost another notch in my belt an I might have caught malaria, but I had an incredibly magic evening.

2013: Book of Poo

We awoke Monday morning to a chirping fire alarm. The problem is the ceilings of the house are vaulted twenty feet at the peak, and the chirping fire alarm was easily 15 feet above the floor. I checked and there was no ladder in the house. I had to make that chirping noise stop before it drove us all insane! It was driving me nuts! Not to mention, I hadn't had any coffee and I was being a little vindictive about the chirping waking everyone.

I dragged over the glass dinning room table and stood on it, being careful to stand only on the table's support beams. But I still should not reach it!

Against Linda's protest, I next set the living room coffee table atop the glass table. If this didn't work, my plan was to place a dinning room chair on top the coffee table. But that wasn't necessary. I carefully climbed the mound of furniture, balanced myself on the rickety contraption, I reach and stretched as far as I could and then opened the fire alarm's battery door thus ending the relentless chirping. Best of all? I did not die in the attempt!

The plan for Monday was to visit Clearwater Beach on the Gulf Coast. Clearwater was an amazing two hour trip from the house. Unlike New York highways, I4 is in incredibly good condition. The highway passed through expanses of country and farm land providing a view of Florida we had never seen before. As we approached Tampa, there was massive construction to expand the road. They don't expand roads in New York, the road crews occupy their time filling potholes with road kill.

The highway snaked past the Tampa skyline with vibrant thriving businesses supporting the economy (unlike the contracting upstate New York economy). We were soon on a highway with large views of seawater on both sides of the road. Clearwater is an island just off the coast accessed by a long road and bridge, the entire area of which is lined with beautiful condos, villas, time shares, and hotels.

After a light lunch of pizza at an Italian restaurant, we went onto the white sandy beaches at Clearwater. Clearwater is incredible but has just two problems: parking and birds. It was difficult finding a place to park the van. And the beach is covered with birds who attack for food, swoop down in large flocks, and squawk endlessly.
The official report? No tarballs. Several years ago there had been an oil spill in the gulf and no one wanted to visit these shores for the fear that oil, in the form of tarballs, would wash up on shore. There were no tarballs. Only a packed beach, white sand, and blue water.

First order of business at the beach? Suntan lotion to ward off the hot sun. We use SPF 400 (you apply it with a putty knife). The boys were completely covered in lotion except someone (ok, it was me) forgot to do their chests and the boys came home a little pinker than when we arrived.

I was spreading the lotion on myself when I noticed a large white splotch of lotion had dripped onto the back of my leg. I took it, rubbed it on my legs, chest, and was rubbing it into my shoulder when I noticed the lotion had a different consistency than I was used to. It was thicker, sticky, and had a bad odor. "Oh My God", I said when I realized what happened. "I just rubbed bird poop all over me." The thought of this plus the smell was making that pizza lunch back up and I felt I might barf right there on the crowded beach. I needed to get into the Gulf of Mexico and wash it off!

I stepped into the surf. The temperature was like warm bath water. When I was ankle deep, I notice a school of very small fish (each the size of my pinky) swimming around my feet. I have a friend who lives in Boca Raton and I was reminded what he told me. He fishes on the Atlantic side and knows what fish live along the shore because he has hooked and pulled them out. As a result, he won't go in the water deeper than ankle deep. In correlation, the life guard tower was flying a yellow "Aquatic life" warning flag. But , Ankle deep wouldn't wash off the bird poop. Besides, everyone else was in deeper. I decided to risk having some alien creature nibble off my toes. I went deeper so I could get the poop washed off.

After playing on the beach for four hours, I started getting a migraine. I sometimes get migraines if in bright sun and dehydration. It starts as lightning bolts in my eyes and if I don't get aspirin right away? It progresses to a full headache. The lightning bolts had grown until I was half blinded and I knew I needed to get medicine from the van right away. I asked Linda, "Where can I find the aspirin in the van?" She explained "Look under the jackets in the back seat. You’ll find a blue beach bag. Inside the beach bag is my purse. Open the purse and find my hip pocket. Inside the hip pocket is a bag…" and I thought – you lost me at the blue beach bag! I’m going to need a diagram for all of this bag within a bag nested doll activity! By the time I finally comprehended all the layers I needed to dig through, I thought about asking where she put the water bottles, but decided I would be better off swallowing the aspirin dry.

The walk to the van was difficult because I was partially blinded by the lightning bolts. I found it easier to walk with my eyes closed and hope I didn’t run into anyone or anything. I just used the force and the direction of the wind to guide me to the van. That, and hitting the lock button on the key made the van beep. I found the van. It was covered in bird poop. Clearwater has a very serious bird problem!

After getting medicated, I thought it wise to use the restroom. Clearwater has public toilets, or, restrooms of last resort as I call them. These are disgusting and have a long line waiting to use them. The toilets are over flowing and you have to stand in poo water on the floor while you use it. Honestly, you are better off just going out in the ocean. Whether it is number one or two, just go out deep and go because I have watched enough Finding Nemo to know these toilets empty into the ocean anyways. Nevertheless, I stood in poo water and used the public toilet.

I returned to the beach partially blind and attempted to find my family. The beach was very crowded, and where I thought we left the beach blanket wasn't there. I walked up and down the beach searching. In one spot, some damn kids (probably my own) had dug a one foot deep hole that I stepped in. I expected solid ground under my foot. Instead I had nothing and I dropped and fell to my knees. If I wasn't blind, I would have looked around to see if anyone had witnessed my humiliation. Instead, I stood, brushed myself off, assessed the pain in my ankle was minor, and continued on.

Eventually I did find my family. Linda had become concerned when I didn't return right away, so, she went looking for me. She passed by while I was in the restroom of last resort. With my family found, I was able to lay down on the beach and rest while the lightning bolts went away and I was able to see once again.

We left the beautiful Clearwater beach, boarded into the van, and started the two hour drive home. We drove along the coast and through the country side, trying to take it all in. We came up behind a large tour bus on the highway. As we did, water started spraying from under the bus. Brown water. I had heard busses sometimes dropped their toilets onto the road, but I didn’t think that was legal. Legal or not? Or van was sprayed with poo water.

We arrived home in the evening. All poo aside? We had a great trip to Clearwater Beach.

2013: The Flood Before The Storm

We ate lunch at the house before heading to the Magic Kingdom. Linda bought a large jug for making lemonade. The jug has a spout that only works if a large cap on the top of the jug is opened. Someone (who will remain nameless (OK, it was me)) loosened the large opening and never resealed it. Linda went to put the jug back into the fridge. She grabbed the handle and swung it off the counter. The cover immediately popped off having the effect of dumping two gallons of lemon aid across the kitchen. It didn't just hit the floor. Oh no. Linda was in a swinging motion so she flooded the cabinet doors and everything all the way into the breakfast nook.

In my defense? I might have left it uncorked. But I didn't dump all two gallons on the floor! In my book, that was Linda's fault.

This is why you don't buy a vacation home and rent it out. You get idiots that will dump two gallons of lemonade all over the floor!

I heard Linda scream so I ran out of the bedroom and found myself standing in the lemonade flood. Two rolls of paper towels later and some severe ridicule from Linda, we now have the cleanest Lemony fresh smelling kitchen in the neighborhood!

With the flood cleaned, we headed to the Magic Kingdom. It was very hot and the park smelled of humanity. I did a quick calculation and discovered - just from farting alone - visitors to the Disney Wirld produce 88,000 liters of methane per day! That means if anyone ever lit a match at the wrong moment? There would be a crater in Florida visible from space! This is the smell we were regularly entertained with.

Finally it rained to cool everything off. We saw the storm in the horizon so we headed for Cosmic Rays to wait out the storm. Cosmic Ray's was within sight when giant rain drops started bombarding us. We ran the remaining distance while my oldest son warned us "Running will only make you wetter". We got to the door and... There was no door handle! There was no way to open the door! This was an exit only door. Are you kidding me? We had to run clear to the otherwise of this massive complex to find a door we could enter.

We were soaked, but at least we were in doors. It took about an hour for he storm to pass, afterwards temperatures dropped into the seventies and it was enjoyable. They park had cleared out due to the storm so we rode as many rides as possible until closing.

We are getting used to these storms. They come and they go. Lets just hope we don't get used to lemon aid floods. Hay! It wasn't my fault!

2013: Does Jesus Eat At Wendy's

We were exhausted after a day at Disney Quest. You wouldn't think that playing video games would wear you out. But it did. Physically and mentally, we were exhausted. We slept-in Saturday and had a slow time of getting up and ready. Our plans for the day were to visit a Florida beach, however, with rain in the forecast, we decided to return to Hollywood Studios. We have done almost everything we wanted to do at Hollywood Studios, so, we didn't need a lot of time there.

There was a real estate open house in the neighborhood we are renting, so, we checked it out and had a nice conversation with a real-estate agent. We explained that our long term plans were to move to Florida. Our subdivision has many vacation homes, so, the neighborhood is usually half empty at any given time - which cuts down on traffic. The houses are well maintained to preserve their investment quality and encourage renters. The houses are 4 or 5 bedroom and cost $180K-$260K. But she warned that the market is improving and prices are rising.

The real-estate agent explained that this time of the year, the humidity is very high. In the morning, it isn't bad. But it increases throughout the day until it has built up in late afternoon causing rain the wash the humidity away. That is why we are seeing so much rain in the late afternoon and evening. That was true on Saturday when the sky opened and rain drops the size of golf balls bombarded the area. Luckily we were indoors - I wouldn't want to have been hit by that rain fall!

There is an old story about Jesus knocking on your door disguised as a stranger. He asks for help as a test to see whether you are a good Christian. Who among us would turn away a stranger in need?

We were on our way to Hollywood Studios when we saw the rain coming and took shelter in a Wendy's. In the booth behind us was an old guy talking very loud on a cell phone as to make sure the entire restaurant could hear him. According to his story, he lost his house in the Oklahoma tornado and the Red Cross relocated him to the Disney World area. But Florida doesn't take Oklahoma Medicaid and his wife can't get her $45 diabetes medicine and the insurance company won't pay on his house until September. In rapid secession, he was calling various aunts and uncles and telling his story, quickly providing the statistics on the number of people who have been relocated, the numbers who can't get medicine, and his plight. He ended every call asking them to pray for his sick wife at church. I was thinking about digging out $45 and giving it to the guy, but something kept telling me that this wasn't right. Why was he calling all these people? Why was he being so loud? Why was he getting Medicaid? Why did he have a smart phone? Why would the Red Cross relocate him to Disney World? How can this old guy have so many aunts and uncles? He would often say "The tourists down here all laugh at us. But imagine if a tornado took away Disney World, what would they do?" He would often discuss all the children that were killed at the school by the tornado. This guy was scamming! He was sitting in restaurants trying to get people to give him money. In my home area in New York, the homeless stand on the corner and ask for money. It is too hot to stand outside in Florida. This guy had really upped his game!

I don't know if the red cross relocates people to Disney World. I don't know whether this guy's wife needed $45 in medicine. I don't know if that was Jesus and we are bad Christians. But it sounded fishy. We left Wendy's feeling very guilty and debated in the car what we should have done. In the end, we made a donation to the Red Cross to ease our guilty conscious.

With our possible encounter with Jesus behind us, we made it to Hollywood Studios in the afternoon. There were only half a dozen rides we needed, so we had a good time at a slow pace. There is a Toy Story ride where you wear 3-D glasses and shoot at targets balloons, plates, etc. While you are shooting, you are in a cart that whips you around a track. As we whipped around one corner, the cart jerked and Linda cracked her head into the back of the cart. Hopefully she didn't get a concussion. Or maybe it would be good if she had a concussion because then I would own a little piece of the park after the law suit! I think we might try that ride again tomorrow.

Eating inside Disney World is very expensive, so, we decided to leave and eat "Off Property". We went to Outback for a light late dinner. When the drinks arrived, I noticed my glass was dirty, so I sent it back. That was replaced with a second dirty glass. Then a third. And I noticed Linda's glass was dirty too. Come to find out, this OutBack sells a lot of ranch dressing. The Ranch Dressing dispenser is next to the clean glasses and so the clean glasses keep getting sprayed with ranch dressing. I don't know if that makes me feel any better about getting a dirty glass, but at least I know I won't get sick. If you like ranch flavored beverages, this Outback is for you!

We returned home and, as I always do, I lead the group so I can unlock the house's front door. The lock system is very interesting. There is a combination that you enter into a key safe which releases the door key. You then unlock the front door with the door key and take the door key with you inside the house. When you leave, you lock the front door with the door key, enter the combination, and return the key to the key safe. The first couple of days when we left the house, I was so concerned about the key safe's lock combination that I would forget to lock the door! We would arrive home at the end of the day, I would lead the group and get the key. Oh No! I didn't have to use the key to open the door! Thank God Linda doesn't read this blog because she would kill me if she knew I left the front door unlocked on several days.

As we settled down to sleep, we couldn't get that old guy at Wendy's out of our mind. He was a really good scammer and almost had us believing him. But what if his story was real? We had made a donation to the red cross, which made us feel a little better. But what if that was actually Jesus sitting in the booth behind us?

2013: Disney Quest

We had such an amazing time at Disney Quest last year that we have decided to upgrade our yearly passes so that we can go to Disney Quest as much as we want this year!

~~2013~~
DisneyQuest

On Friday we went to Disney Quest. This is five floors filled with classic arcade games and some new ones. There are some simulators and a 3D shooting game. Overall it was a lot of fun and playing these games brought back great memories. Admission was expensive ($160 with our year pass) but we had unlimited game playing. When I was 12 in the 80's I would have died and gone to heaven at Disney Quest.

One of the rides is a simulation where you are on a boat and have to shoot your cannon at pirate ships and other boats. The game was incredible except we let out youngest pilot the ship and we just went around in a circle and really didn't do very much.

There is a bumper car game where you shoot balls at each other's cars through a ball cannon. It is very load when your car gets smacked by a car - I nearly jumped out of my skin!

Most of the time was spent playing the old classic arcade games that we love. At the end of the night the caste members had to chase us out - we didn't want to leave!

2013: Wildside BBQ

The plan for after work Thursday was to go to Disney miniature golf. Unfortunately we are still suffering the remnants of a tropical storm and it is no fun to golf in the rain.

We went to a restaurant named Wild Side BBQ for dinner. We ordered nachos for a starter and I ordered the Wild Side Platter, and everyone else ordered an assortment of items off the menu.

The nachos arrived on a plate that took half the table. It was piled with cheese, chili, and BBQ pork. I have never seen such a pile of nachos delivered as an appetizer. How do they expect people to eat all of this? Half way through the nachos I became concerned about my entre because I was filling up.

The entre arrived. the wildside plater was half a rack, Half a chicken, half a pound of pork, with fries and beans. It was not humanly possible to eat all the food that was placed in front of us. But that didn't keep us from trying!

After dinner we returned to the house. We spent the evening complaining about how much we had ate and pledging to only eat salads for the rest of the trip.

If you are ever in the area, I recommend the Wild Side BBQ. Just be careful how much food you order. It is very good and you will want to try to eat it all whether that is possible or not. It was so good that I was licking my fingers and had to avoid the temptation of gnawing my fingers off - that is how good it was.

2013: Dunkin Donuts Flu

There is a pattern developing here in Florida. It seems sunny in the morning, cloudy in the afternoon, and rains on and off from late afternoon through evening. I hope this is just left over from the Tropical Storm and not how life normally is in Florida!

Yesterday, I came out of my office for lunch and found the kids in the pool. A loud crack of thunder echoed through the neighborhood and in one effort, my youngest leaped out of the pool and onto the patio. He knows he shouldn't be in a pool during an electrical storm and is terrified of it. However, he left all his toys in the pool. So Linda shoved him back into the pool to retrieve the toys. Hay, threat of death from lightening or not, Gilberts don't leave toys in a pool.

It appears we are going through a heat wave right now. Temperatures in New York hit 101 degrees yesterday! Here in Florida, which in known for its oppressive heat? It has been miserable. On Tuesday we hit 75 degrees. Yesterday 78 degrees. They are talking that we might break 80 degrees today. We went into a restaurant yesterday and had to put our jackets on. I don't really understand how people can stand to live in Florida when it is so miserably hot out.

Before you think the temperature differences between New York and Florida are an oddity (hotter in New York)? We experienced the exact same thing in July of 2011. Temperatures hit 100 degrees in Western New York while we were in the 80’s in Florida in 2011. It does get warm in Florida, but I think the heat complaints are overblown.

Yesterday after work, we decided to visit the communities around Alta Monte Springs to see whether this would be an area for consideration to move to when we retire. We toured two dozen neighborhoods in the surrounding areas, similar to what we did in Winter Gardens last week.

What we saw in our tour was that Alta Monte Springs has a lot of apartments. They also have low income houses mixed in with average income houses. We would go into a neighborhood and see seven nice houses in a row, and the eighth would have tall grass, junk in the driveway, and trash piled on the porch. Getting to some of the nice neighborhoods required driving through slums and poor neighborhoods. This mix of poor neighborhoods and nice neighborhoods can only lead to crime. In fact, we saw block after block of neighborhood watch signs, but we never saw a single police car patrolling.

There was one nice neighborhood around a lake. But to getting to it required driving through blocks of low value housing. We left the lake community a different way and in a different direction in search of the next house we wanted to see. The next house was only a quarter of a mile away. As we approached the street that had the house, we noticed there were several people standing on the corners and in the front yards of the intersection.

A little more than ten years ago, we visited Vegas and saw a drug operation on the Vegas strip. The drug operation had incredible efficiency. There was a front line of people who would approach a car when it pulled up and take their order. They turned to a second line of people who had a minimal amount of drugs on their possession. The second line would hand the drugs to the front line, and the front line exchanged it for cash. The cash would then go to a third line of people. A fourth line of people were the runners. They continually ran bags of cash from the third line, to some location a block away. The fourth line would return with bags of drugs to replenish the second line. A fifth line watched over everything and provided the security. This operation was held under the careful eye of the police, who stood on both ends of the line. The police observed the activity to make sure it stayed peaceful, yet were ready to crack some skulls if things go out of hand. If the police had chased the drug activity off the strip? The drug activity would have moved to another part of town away from the police's careful eye, and the police would have a mess. Instead, under this situation, the inevitable activity could occur and maintain civil order.

I remember being fascinated as I watched this drug operation from across the Vegas Strip. But in Alta Monte Springs, as I approached that intersection, I wasn't fascinated in the least. This operation was obviously not as efficient as Vegas. There were people on the corner handling the drugs and the cash. There was someone in the front yard handling security. And in the back yard of one of the houses it appeared to be where the large drug distribution was happening.

As I approached the intersection, Linda said "Kevin, what are you doing?" and I said "We need to turn down this street to see the house". Linda said "No, just keep going. Don't turn!" And I said "Don't worry about it, these are just business men." Naïve or stupid, and perhaps a little of both, I turned at the intersection being careful not to give anyone "the eye". Two houses further down was a second drug house. It was impossible to tell whether the second drug house was affiliated with the first, but obviously they had a booming business from the area's affluent subdivisions.

We snuck past the second drug house and found the house we were looking for. It was a large beautiful inexpensive home sitting beside two houses that appeared ready to cave in. My assessment was this house must have burnt down or was somehow destroyed and was rebuilt in the neighborhood. Or perhaps this was the drug king pin's house, for both drug operations could be observed from a large second floor window. In either case, we were obviously uninterested. Unfortunately, the house was at a dead-end. Our only way out was to return, passing by both drug operations. I turned the van around at the end of the road. The spectacle of a big New York red van attempting to "K" turn on the narrow dead-end became an attraction to everyone on the street. That really wasn’t what I wanted. We rolled down the street slowly, careful not to look anyone in the eye, and as soon as I was clear of the drug corner I hit the gas and flew back into a nicer neighborhood.

Needless to say, that ended our tour of the Alta Monte Springs area. We were completely unimpressed and had an hour's drive down I4 to get back to our house. I decided I had better get some coffee for the long drive, so, we pulled into the Alta Monte Springs Dunkin Donuts. We were waited on by a lady in her early twenties with a really gross looking nose ring, and her entire face looked oddly swelled. Nevertheless, I ordered my coffee, half a dozen donuts, and some munchkins. After ordering, I used the restroom and then we all loaded into the van. As I pulled out of Dunkin Donuts, Linda said "We are not eating these donuts." I said "I know what you mean, I need to drop a few pounds." And she said "Well, yes, but, that isn't what I mean. The lady who waited on us was sick. While you were in the bathroom, she was coughing and hacking all over the donuts on the rack and she blew her nose over the donuts and she never washed her hands. If we eat these we are all going to get sick!"

This news presents a serious problem for me. I had just spent $10 on donuts and coffee. We were on the ramp to I4. I couldn't turn back. And if I could, what would I say? I want my money back because you have been coughing all over the donuts? We spent most of the trip home deciding whether or not we were going to eat the donuts. I was determined there was no way I was throwing $10 into the garbage. Linda, who was grossed out and using hand sanitizer just from touching the boxes, said there was no way she was catching the Dunkin Donuts Flu. To conclude the argument, I ate one of the donuts. I'm sure I won't get the Dunkin Donuts Flu. I hope I don't. This morning I woke up sneezing and with a scratchy throat. But I'm sure it isn't the Dunkin Donuts Flu.

The decision about the donuts was now settled. I would eat all the donuts and the rest of the family would see if I got sick. Who ever won? Got the bragging rights.

We sailed down I4 heading through Orlando. Traffic was reasonable and we were able to do 65MPH. It was then I felt something crawling on my leg. We have already discussed our battle with roaches at the house. And we have discussed the revenge of the green beetles at Disney World. Bugs are a continual and regular presence in Florida. It is a fact of life. It is just something you have to deal with. But when I glanced down and saw this giant spider crawling on my leg, it was unnerving! I start swatting at it and stomping my feet trying to kill it and in the meanwhile I completely forgot that I was flying down the road at 65MPH. I'm brought back to my senses only by the honking horns of the cars that are dodging me and the screams of my family.

"What is it?" Linda is screaming as I pull the van to the side of the road. I answer "A giant spider". Now Linda is screaming. The kids don't know what is going on, so, they are screaming. Everyone is screaming as I get the van stopped. Linda grabbed the flashlight out of the glove box and we start searching the van for this spider. He has to be somewhere. And we can't risk getting back on I4 and have the spider attack again. We searched under the dashboard, under all the seats, in the back. We can't find it! Then I think to check the bottom of my shoe. I was stamping my feet - maybe I got it? Sure enough, there was the spider smeared on the bottom of my sneaker. With the spider crisis over, I ate one more donut and we pulled back onto I4.

I've written previously about how most houses in Florida have sprinklers to keep their lawn and bushes watered. And I wrote about how our house has a water cannon that is used to water the palm tree and the front yard. The sprinklers work according to some schedule that we have yet to figure out.

When we finally made it to the house, I pulled into the driveway and parked the van far to one side to avoid hitting the trash cans that sit in front of the garage door. Through timing that could not be practiced nor rehearsed, and could only have been planned by God himself, the water cannon flipped on about the time Linda opened her van door. The side window deflected most of the water, but enough of the water drenched her and the inside of the van.

I take all this as an omen. An omen that tells us Alta Monte Springs is not a place for us. I am glad we took an hour to drive there and an hour back so we could see the area for ourselves. In the meanwhile... I am sneezing, scratchy throat, running nose... could I be coming down with the Dunkin Donuts Flu?

2013: Fork and Screen

After work yesterday, we headed into Down Town Disney to experience AMC's Fork and Screen. This is where you watch a movie and eat dinner at the same time!

All the movies were sold out except for Disney's Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger is Disney's latest flop staring Johnny Depp. They attempted to recreate the Pirate of the Caribbean franchise. But instead they created a $200M loss. No one cares about westerns anymore. No one knows the actor who played The Lone Ranger. No one remembers the Lone Ranger. And they went for a younger audience but made the movie unnecessarily PG13. They put too much crap into the movie that took away from the story. Mix that with a story that was suffering from ADHD, and you produce a very expensive flop - on the magnitude of John Carter.

The dining experience was nice. The chairs are similar to a lazy boy that reclines back allowing one to rest their legs on bars that run under the table. When it is time to eat, however, it becomes a challenge to sit on the edge of the seat so you can lean on the bar like table. The tables are dimly lit and it is nearly impossible to see anything. When you need the waitress, you press a button and wait, and wait, and forget she is coming and get back into the movie and then WHAM there she is. She gives you a quick 15 seconds to explain what you need before running away.

There is a challenge with eating in the dark. It didn't know it until I put it in my mouth that my Macaroni and Cheese was covered in Ritz crackers. All I could do is sink my fork into the darkness of my bowl and hope I stabbed something I wouldn't regret putting into my mouth. My son, who was dipping his French fries, kept accidentally dipping into the mustard!

The ticket prices were expensive, but not unreasonable (as movie tickets go these days) - $11 for a non 3d movie. As everyone knows by the popcorn and candy prices, eating at a movie is very expensive. And eating dinner is outrageous. My wife and I had Macaroni and Cheese (with chicken and bacon). One son had a burger and Another had a grilled cheese. We split deserts. With tax and tip it came to nearly $100 (not including the movie ticket).

Would I do it again? Probably not. I thought the idea of dining while watching a movie was a great idea. But now that I have experienced it? I think that eating a big bucket of popcorn is better than trying to eat a dinner, and would be a lot cheaper.

2013: Hollywood Studios

Disney's Hollywood Studios will forever be known as "MGM" to me, because, that is how it was originally named. I'm not going to necessarily change my thinking to match Disney marketing. It is MGM Studios.

Under a gray sky, we headed to MGM studios for the day. It was an odd kind of a day in that it would often rain, prompting us to dig the rain ponchos out of the backpacks. As soon as we put on the ponchos, it would stop raining. We would take the ponchos off, carefully fold and pack them away. And then it would rain again. We played this game all day - taking the ponchos out of the backpacks, and putting them back in. It was as if we were on a movie set and someone was playing a prank on us. After several hours of this game, we gave up. And decided to just get wet.

It is just as well that we stopped using the ponchos. People who know me know I like to pinch a penny. These rain ponchos are easily 13 years old and have never been cleaned. They get used once every couple of years, dried off, and then packed away. They smell. To say they were fowl would be an improvement to their actual smell. Removing them does not remove the smell from one's body. So, each time I must go to the restroom and wash my hands. Washing one's hands at Disney is impossible. Even though Florida is surrounded on three sides by water and dotted by hundreds of lakes, they must conserve water. When washing your hands, the automatic sinks disperse just one ounce of water in a spray. I know it is one ounce because I measured it in my water bottle. I can do a better job washing my hands by spitting on them. Which is what I often reverted to doing.

We devised a cleaver plan to avoid using ponchos every time it rained. When it rained, we would jump into the nearest store because all the stores on the street were interconnected. We would pass through from one store to the next until we reached the end of the street. Run across the street. Then into the next store.

The problem with this plan is that others would run to store too, take one step inside, and then stop - blocking the doorway from anyone else who would like to enter. They would gather their party together "It is really raining out there";. Well, no kidding! I'm still standing in it. Can you please move into the store? Others liked to stand in the doorway and watch people running up and down the street in the rain. I'm sure it was a great pastime activity, maybe they were watching for Brazilian blonds, I don't know, but please don't block the door while you are watching! There was one teen who was eating her ice cream in the middle of the door way. She was easily 1/3 my weight and I'm running through the rain charging right at her, thundering with each footfall. She didn't even flinch as I barreled past. Are you nuts? If I had hit her, I would have knocked her clear into the next store!

Lunch at the Scifi Drive in was perfect. Other than Mike dropping his toasted cheese on the floor and then trying to pick it up so he can eat it, and the outrageous price ($9 for onion rings?), we love the SciFi Drive in.

We went to the Indiana Jones Stunt Show. Unfortunately, it had been raining and the set was wet so they need an abbreviated show. To make it worse, the show had some bugs in it. No, I mean, really, there were bugs. Insects. I was watching the show when I noticed a lady near me squealing, jumping around, and smacking herself. I thought, perhaps, it was a medical condition. Until I saw the person next to her do the same thing. And very quickly, that entire section was on their feet, stomping their feet, squealing, and slapping themselves. I could see all these green beetles on the floor scurrying all around their bags and belongings. I became concerned... For myself. I picked up my bag and slid away from the group. They grabbed their belongings and ran out of the theater. I thought - geez, that was really gross! But I didn't bother to say anything when another couple saw the open seats and came to sit down in the bug infested row.

Just so you don't think I am a horrible person for not mentioning anything about the bugs, let me explain what Disney is like in July. At Disney, English speaking natives are a minority. I don't know why, but Spanish is the natural language in the land of Disney. Perhaps it is winter in South America so many visit Florida (we have seen huge tour groups from all around Latin America). Or perhaps the weak US dollar is encouraging travel. Whatever the case may be, chances are? If I said there were bugs on their bench, they wouldn't know what I was saying anyways. In this land of babble, it is easier (and more enjoyable) to just to sit back and watch the show of another group get attacked by green beetles. I have seen India Jones a hundred times (big secret - the guy who stands on one leg? Is the paid actor). But this is the first time I have seen The Attack Of The Green Beetles.

I suppose the beetles might be attacking as revenge for all the roaches we are killing back at the house. By the way, eleven dead insects versus 0 dead humans - we are winning! I read that there are more bugs in a square mile of dirt (not a cube, a square) than the entire population of humans. Each human would have to kill 100 million bugs for us to win the Star Troopers war! With this obvious problem, I don't understand why there is human starvation in the world.

We road on Star Tours. Or, as I call it, the vomit comet with pilot Lou-Up Chuck. The ride isn't as bad as it used to be. When it first opened, you were almost guaranteed someone was going to pass up their lunch on the ride. Usually that someone was me. They redesigned the ride and now it is much better. You have a one in four chance of seeing someone puke.

After a fun day in the park, we road the tram back to our car. We walked with a crowd from the tram to our cars. In the crowd was a man and woman in their late forties. The man suddenly stops, pauses, and rips the loudest sloppiest fart I have ever heard. And then his wife pauses and rips and even louder fart. That is love! A couple that farts together stays together. After the momentary pause, they continued to their car unaffected, while those of us down wind held our breaths until we were blue in the face.

It really isn't this couple's fault. I give them no bad will. The bathrooms are so bad at Disney, I too have considered crapping myself to avoid using them. The toilet paper is the worse in the world. I can only imagine the execs at Disney sitting around the table at a meeting saying "We need to cut down on our costs, what can we do?" and someone says "I have designed a way to make the TP even thinner." And the leader says "That is great news! How do we make our TP even thinner?" and the executive says "We weave sand paper grit into the TP fibers." And the leader says "That is an awesome idea. Lets put it into production right away." The execs pat each other on the back and collect a big bonus check at the end of the quarter. They should invite me into the meeting. I can tell them what to do! Disney is the chief of marketing all kinds of things: Mickey watches, and shirts, and pins and pens - they have everything! How about Disney Depends undergarments? You are standing in that long two hour line and you don't want to lose your place? Just let it go! And maybe there is a computer chip with Mickey's voice that says "Way to go!". That couple walking in front of us in the parking lot could really have used some Disney Depends. And think of the money Disney could save by shutting down all the bathrooms. This could be the single best idea Disney had had since bring back Michael Jack's Captain Eo.

We had a nice day at MGM. I hope the weather improves because we are in Florida to see the sun shine!

2013: Epcot

The day started with Breakfast at Ohana. This is an all you an gorge yourself meal until you pass out and enter a food coma broken up by character visits. We saw Mickey, stitch, lelo, Pluto and that goofy waiter. The food was good. But then again, it is difficult to screw up scrambled eggs.

Afterwards we headed to Epcot. The journeys into the park are a physical challenge. Not just because it is hot. And not just because we tend to walk for ten hours. But also because I am the family pack mule carrying almost everything anyone might want in my back pack. This includes heavy batteries for cameras and ten water bottles! Of course I encourage proper hydration (only so I can lighten my load). Drink up everyone!

In National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Clark cuts down the neighbor's pine tree and drags it into his living room for a Christmas tree. What Clark didn't know was the tree was home to a squirrel who pounced on Clark.

When I saw that scene in the movie I thought it was ridiculous. But I was reminded of it as we watched one of the many squirrels at Epcot. As we watched, a second squirrel out of no where pounced on the first and a wild chase started. It was fun to watch until the chase lead the squirrels running around my feet! I broke out dancing right there in Epcot as I tried to get away without stepping on one! Could you imagine what the mob would have done to me if I had stomped a squirrel at Disney?

Epcot has an aquarium that has been remodeled after the Finding Nemo movie. Mike loved the aquarium. It wasn't long before he wondered off. Finding Nemo turned into Finding Mike as we searched the place for him. We found him on the second floor trying to take a picture of a shark. Every time he took a picture the camera would flash and reflect against the glass. Undaunted, he kept taking the pictures and couldn't understand why none were coming out.

We walked around the world showcase and visited various countries, dodging in and out of air conditioning. We rode on Malestorm, which is a wild boat ride where angry trolls send your boat down a waterfall. We boarded the Malestorm boat, took off, rounded the first curve and the ride broke down. That should have been our first sign that we were in trouble! The ride started up again and when we hit the waterfall area, the ride broke us down a second time leaving us suspended over the falls! Norweigens are known for building boats but obviously not for building rides. We are suspended over the falls when a voice comes on "We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please remain seated". Technical difficulties? Does that mean the safety devices that pervent our boat from flipping over the falls are disabled? And remain seated? I was concerned that if I moved a muscle I might throw the boat off balance and send us hurdeling down the falls! The voice came back on "Please remain seated. We will be starting the ride momentarily". The thought crossed that perhaps they didn't know we were perilously suspending at the fall's edge. "The ride is starting now" and with one great shuv, our boat fell down the falls and we landed with a terrific splash. When the ride ended, I had never been more happy to be on dry ground, I almost knelt and kissed the carpet.

We survived Malestorm and made it to the USA area of Epcot. In the USA building, they have singers who sing several historic US favorites in the lobby. We really wanted to see this so we arrived twenty minutes early to get the best seats. Finally the singers came out in 1800's costumes and lined up in the lobby to begin their songs... Lined up with their backs to us! We arrived early for this? I am sure the show would have been really good if we could have seen the singers.

At the end of the day we got into position to see the Iluminations fireworks show. This is where people stand around a lake and get upset because they cant see the fireworks show through the obstructions nor tell what the heck is on that big ball in the middle of the water. the only comfortable places to stand and watch the show just happen to be all the places cast members tell you to move away from. A cast member had told us the best spot to watch the show was near France at the back of the park. But when we arrived, it was already crowded. We took the best spot we could find, which wasn't very good. For some reason, Disney has several islands on the lake whose only purpose is to grow tall obstructing trees. We tried watching the show through these trees. Who is the moron who grew trees in the middle of the lake? An hour with a chainsaw would have solved the problem and made thousands of people happy!

After the show everyone stampedes for the gates to get out of the park. Since we were in the back of the park, we were in the back of the hurd and had the longest trek to reach the gate. All the while we had to fight the crowd to keep from getting split up. It felt like we walked five miles to get out of the park!

We arrived home, sore from walking so far, but glad we had a great day at Epcot.