2013: Hollywood Studios

Disney's Hollywood Studios will forever be known as "MGM" to me, because, that is how it was originally named. I'm not going to necessarily change my thinking to match Disney marketing. It is MGM Studios.

Under a gray sky, we headed to MGM studios for the day. It was an odd kind of a day in that it would often rain, prompting us to dig the rain ponchos out of the backpacks. As soon as we put on the ponchos, it would stop raining. We would take the ponchos off, carefully fold and pack them away. And then it would rain again. We played this game all day - taking the ponchos out of the backpacks, and putting them back in. It was as if we were on a movie set and someone was playing a prank on us. After several hours of this game, we gave up. And decided to just get wet.

It is just as well that we stopped using the ponchos. People who know me know I like to pinch a penny. These rain ponchos are easily 13 years old and have never been cleaned. They get used once every couple of years, dried off, and then packed away. They smell. To say they were fowl would be an improvement to their actual smell. Removing them does not remove the smell from one's body. So, each time I must go to the restroom and wash my hands. Washing one's hands at Disney is impossible. Even though Florida is surrounded on three sides by water and dotted by hundreds of lakes, they must conserve water. When washing your hands, the automatic sinks disperse just one ounce of water in a spray. I know it is one ounce because I measured it in my water bottle. I can do a better job washing my hands by spitting on them. Which is what I often reverted to doing.

We devised a cleaver plan to avoid using ponchos every time it rained. When it rained, we would jump into the nearest store because all the stores on the street were interconnected. We would pass through from one store to the next until we reached the end of the street. Run across the street. Then into the next store.

The problem with this plan is that others would run to store too, take one step inside, and then stop - blocking the doorway from anyone else who would like to enter. They would gather their party together "It is really raining out there";. Well, no kidding! I'm still standing in it. Can you please move into the store? Others liked to stand in the doorway and watch people running up and down the street in the rain. I'm sure it was a great pastime activity, maybe they were watching for Brazilian blonds, I don't know, but please don't block the door while you are watching! There was one teen who was eating her ice cream in the middle of the door way. She was easily 1/3 my weight and I'm running through the rain charging right at her, thundering with each footfall. She didn't even flinch as I barreled past. Are you nuts? If I had hit her, I would have knocked her clear into the next store!

Lunch at the Scifi Drive in was perfect. Other than Mike dropping his toasted cheese on the floor and then trying to pick it up so he can eat it, and the outrageous price ($9 for onion rings?), we love the SciFi Drive in.

We went to the Indiana Jones Stunt Show. Unfortunately, it had been raining and the set was wet so they need an abbreviated show. To make it worse, the show had some bugs in it. No, I mean, really, there were bugs. Insects. I was watching the show when I noticed a lady near me squealing, jumping around, and smacking herself. I thought, perhaps, it was a medical condition. Until I saw the person next to her do the same thing. And very quickly, that entire section was on their feet, stomping their feet, squealing, and slapping themselves. I could see all these green beetles on the floor scurrying all around their bags and belongings. I became concerned... For myself. I picked up my bag and slid away from the group. They grabbed their belongings and ran out of the theater. I thought - geez, that was really gross! But I didn't bother to say anything when another couple saw the open seats and came to sit down in the bug infested row.

Just so you don't think I am a horrible person for not mentioning anything about the bugs, let me explain what Disney is like in July. At Disney, English speaking natives are a minority. I don't know why, but Spanish is the natural language in the land of Disney. Perhaps it is winter in South America so many visit Florida (we have seen huge tour groups from all around Latin America). Or perhaps the weak US dollar is encouraging travel. Whatever the case may be, chances are? If I said there were bugs on their bench, they wouldn't know what I was saying anyways. In this land of babble, it is easier (and more enjoyable) to just to sit back and watch the show of another group get attacked by green beetles. I have seen India Jones a hundred times (big secret - the guy who stands on one leg? Is the paid actor). But this is the first time I have seen The Attack Of The Green Beetles.

I suppose the beetles might be attacking as revenge for all the roaches we are killing back at the house. By the way, eleven dead insects versus 0 dead humans - we are winning! I read that there are more bugs in a square mile of dirt (not a cube, a square) than the entire population of humans. Each human would have to kill 100 million bugs for us to win the Star Troopers war! With this obvious problem, I don't understand why there is human starvation in the world.

We road on Star Tours. Or, as I call it, the vomit comet with pilot Lou-Up Chuck. The ride isn't as bad as it used to be. When it first opened, you were almost guaranteed someone was going to pass up their lunch on the ride. Usually that someone was me. They redesigned the ride and now it is much better. You have a one in four chance of seeing someone puke.

After a fun day in the park, we road the tram back to our car. We walked with a crowd from the tram to our cars. In the crowd was a man and woman in their late forties. The man suddenly stops, pauses, and rips the loudest sloppiest fart I have ever heard. And then his wife pauses and rips and even louder fart. That is love! A couple that farts together stays together. After the momentary pause, they continued to their car unaffected, while those of us down wind held our breaths until we were blue in the face.

It really isn't this couple's fault. I give them no bad will. The bathrooms are so bad at Disney, I too have considered crapping myself to avoid using them. The toilet paper is the worse in the world. I can only imagine the execs at Disney sitting around the table at a meeting saying "We need to cut down on our costs, what can we do?" and someone says "I have designed a way to make the TP even thinner." And the leader says "That is great news! How do we make our TP even thinner?" and the executive says "We weave sand paper grit into the TP fibers." And the leader says "That is an awesome idea. Lets put it into production right away." The execs pat each other on the back and collect a big bonus check at the end of the quarter. They should invite me into the meeting. I can tell them what to do! Disney is the chief of marketing all kinds of things: Mickey watches, and shirts, and pins and pens - they have everything! How about Disney Depends undergarments? You are standing in that long two hour line and you don't want to lose your place? Just let it go! And maybe there is a computer chip with Mickey's voice that says "Way to go!". That couple walking in front of us in the parking lot could really have used some Disney Depends. And think of the money Disney could save by shutting down all the bathrooms. This could be the single best idea Disney had had since bring back Michael Jack's Captain Eo.

We had a nice day at MGM. I hope the weather improves because we are in Florida to see the sun shine!